Who’s that you’re on the phone to?
Sh! Willow.
Willow?
Willow the ISP. ISP. Service Provider.
Trouble again?
Hnf. Hello? Yes, I’m well, thanks.
My name? Sure. Nicolson Brooks. Call me Nick.
Telephone number? But I just keyed that in to get put through to you.
Need it confirmed for security? Look this is the third time I’ve phoned you today, I’d have thought you’d recognise my voice by now. Especially after the last four months.
What? The last four months I’ve been calling you. Nearly every day.
Okay, okay. It’s ***** ******.
Yes of course that’s the line I’m calling from.
My date of birth? What difference does it make how old I am? No, I’m only joking. I know the routine. **/**/****.
Through security? Last time anybody said that I was pushed on a plane to Morocco.
No, it’s a joke. Get it?
Right. Glad you asked that. What you can do for me is fix my broadband. Please.
Well, the same thing’s wrong with it as was at 11 o’clock this morning.
When I last phoned you.
I agree, it probably wasn’t you I spoke to then. What’s your name?
Well, Barry (covering phone and whispering to wife – I’ve got Barry on the phone! Sounds a long way off!) the thing is, I keep losing the broadband connection that I’m paying your company to provide.
There’s no point in you running a test of the line. I’ve been telling your people that for the last four months.
I know testing the line is how you find out there is a fault, but it’s not going to work.
No, it’s not.
It’s not, and here’s why….
OK. Run your test, and I’ll explain afterwards. But just for the record, your test will reveal that there are no faults on the line. After which you will tell me that there is nothing you can do. And I will be back on the phone in the next half hour.
Pause.
Well, isn’t that what I told you?
No, don’t hang up. Please, we’re not finished.
I’m very glad to hear how sorry you are for the inconvenience. I would love to believe you when you tell me that there is no problem, and that you have looked into it and it will never happen again. But that fills me with no confidence, because in the last four months, all your colleagues have very politely (obsequiously) recited from the same manual, AND I STILL HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM. About every half hour.
No, please stay on the line. I admit that I am a little impatient about this, but I also know that you are trying your best within your understanding of the problem. The thing is, you haven’t actually allowed me to tell you what the problem is yet. You have run your standard procedures, without ascertaining whether they apply to the case. And most importantly, you have verified my security credentials again. I am now in a position where I shall never forget my telephone number or my birthday as long as I live.
Ah! At last. You are asking me for the reason why I called you.
OK. Here goes. You sound like a reasonable man, Barry, and very polite, so I am going to trust you with this information. I am hoping that at last I have found someone who will understand my predicament. Are you ready?
Good. The thing is, my broadband keeps dropping out. Every few minutes. And I’ve discovered a way of retrieving it.
Well, it’s not of long duration and it is an unsatisfactory inconvenience, that’s why. Listen to how it works first. The broadband drops out, so I phone you up. Something about the way the wiring works means that when I make a phone call to you, and get through, and speak to someone, doesn’t matter who, could be Barry, or George, or Donald, all of a sudden the broadband is miraculously restored.
No, that doesn’t mean you’ve fixed it. It means there is a fault on the line that is different from the one you have a cure for.
No, I don’t want you to test the line again, because I know it won’t work.
How do I know? Well, because I’m on the phone to you, of course. The point is, the time when you need to test my line is when I’m not on the phone to you, because that is when I have the fault. It’s no good testing it now, because I’m on the phone, and the broadband is working. I can see it on my screen. If I wasn’t holding the phone, I could be using my computer, which is all I really want to do. At the moment. Not be here on the phone to you. However apologetic and polite you are, Barry.
Well, I suggest you test the line when it is faulty.
No! I can’t let you know when that is, because if I phone you up, it won’t be faulty. Can’t you just take it from me that if I’m not on the phone, then that would be a good time to test it?
Oh, it’s not procedure to test lines without a call requesting a test. I’m sorry. How naïve of me. Look, I know what I will do. In future, if I get a problem, I’ll call your helpline number, and listen to the menu for two or three minutes and then I’ll redial, over and over again, just to keep my broadband open. I’ll have to learn to be ambidextrous but I reckon it should work, and then I won’t have to trouble you again. OK?
What do you mean, it’s an abuse of the system and will tie up an incoming line unnecessarily? Well, that’s fine by me. Then you’ll have a problem you might want to solve. But you won’t know it’s me calling, because I won’t have told you my telephone number. Or date of birth, I mutter under my breath.
Revenge is sweet, I think to myself, until I realise I’m still paying for this.