All the computer experts tell me I haven’t got a virus. That’s not shingles, they say, in defiance of my doctor, that’s Adware. That’s a relief, I think, except where am I going to get drugs from now? I quite like these heavy-dose anti-epileptics I got from the quack that fell me like a stunned ox in the middle of watching Father Brown. Better give Leroy a call, get some home-grown herbs from his attic hothouse, I suppose. But it’s not on the National Health, is it?

Meantime, it’s not dealing with the real problem, though. Bottom right of my screen I’ve got this little guy jumping up and waving his hands at me like a troupe of Black and White Minstrels and telling me he’s my mate. Worse than that, he’s reading everything I do on my computer, and everything the insidious contraption gets up to behind my back, and then invading my face with his offers of help. A friend in need, and all that. A friend who only needs to phone this number in the Philippines and everything will miraculously come right.

Now you and I know that you should never click on any of these links and never phone them up. I didn’t ask for them and I don’t trust them. They are a grave infliction from an outside source, and they are out to get me. That’s not paranoia, that’s playing it safe. Nevertheless, having already uninstalled the little bastard, had my registry searched by a professional for three hours, run him through four types of high-level scans and found no trace of him anywhere on my computer, there he is every few minutes grinning at me in the bottom right corner and arresting my typing mid-word, to tell me that my browser has crashed, which it hasn’t, but lo! and behold!, no sooner has he said it than it does. Feels like he’s making it happen so I will phone him. A bit like god. Well I’m not praying to him either. All these disasters are my own fault. I did this to myself. I fell for bad advice, cleverly spoken, by an idiot.

Now that I’ve got that off my chest, I find that it doesn’t help in the least. Because there he is again, like an over-eager boxer puppy, shaking his head enthusiastically and spreading slobber all over the screen. I can’t get away from it. It starts in the corner, and soon fills the room. It’s certainly filling the display. Anything else that’s there disappears under the pressure of his presence. Come on buddy, give me a call, it’s saying. I really want to hear from you.

Listen squire, if you’re such a pal, what are you doing hiding like a sneak-thief  in the depths of my machine? Come on, me old mate, let me at you so we can get to know each other better.Two days I’ve been trying that one. The softly softly approach. Creep up on him from behind, as it were. And then belt him over the head with this lump hammer I’m typing with, just in case. There he is again. Shit, he ducked back down just as I lashed out. Screen’s all dented now. Anyway, since he shouldn’t be back for a couple of minutes, I’ve got a chance to put to you my ultimate strategy, see what you think. How about I phone him up, in the Philippines, and keep him on the phone for hours so he gets depressed? Then maybe I could get him to do the job that I can’t do myself. At the very least, he’ll know what it feels like from the other end.

You see, although everyone in the know tells me he is harmless, in the end so are scabies, but they get under your skin, and you want them dead. So listen, buddy, you’re doing that needy friend thing. You won’t leave me alone, and it’s getting on my nerves, and they’re stretched enough already, what with the shingles, so I’m going to unfriend you. I want you to know that I don’t like you any more. I want you to creep off into the hole at the bottom right of my screen and contemplate your behaviour, and if you never come out again, that’s all right by me. Got it?

I haven’t seen him for about quarter of an hour. But I bet his ghost is hanging around, biding his time, waiting for his moment.

What? My virtual memory is almost full? Gee, thanks buddy. I’ll get on it straight away.

Shame you don’t get the satisfying splinter of glass on these modern devices. Metal and plastic just cracks and bends under blows from a lump hammer. But I’ve been smart. Typed all this in the top left of the screen. See? Tenacity is all you need. Buddy.