The start of a story I wrote for my grandchildren. It gets very exciting, but I haven’t done the illustrations yet.

Grumps

Big Dave was lying in his bed, sucking his toes, and Kimblebee was watching him through the bars. Big Dave wasn’t bothered, but his sister was in a bad mood, because she had been told off for the mess in the other room. It wasn’t really her fault the ceiling fell down. But she knew most people didn’t dance in the bath, and now she knew why. She wouldn’t fill it up to the top next time.

What do you think of old people, Big Dave? she asked her brother.

He gurgled, stretched his fingers and poked himself in the eye enthusiastically.

You see, there’s old people like mum who gets grumbly when we have fun, and there’s old people like dad who works all the time and sleeps in a chair a lot, and then there’s old people like Grumps…..he’s so old he’s more than old, and he only comes out at night like fairies and monsters and owls and bats.

Big Dave got quite excited at this and had a poo. He could hardly contain himself.

You don’t really know what I’m talking about, do you, Big Dave? You’ve never met him because he lives a long way away in a place nobody can find and he’s had a broken leg since before you were born. He sent mum an email a couple of years ago and told her he’d fallen off his boat again. Apparently he was swerving to avoid an asteroid full of precious minerals that he’d been hunting just beyond the moon, and he leaned a bit too far. Well, the next thing was, he was plummeting through the earth’s atmosphere much faster than the speed limit and his trousers caught fire with the heat. He landed in a tree with his leg pointing sideways and a blister on his bum. Mum says he was always like that, even when she was little and he was supposed to be looking after her. Always wanting to have fun. Not like a proper grown-up at all.

Deep in thought about all this, Big Dave was scratching his nose with his big toe.

Are you listening? You have to listen because if you don’t you won’t know what to do when you meet him, and then you’ll have to find out the hard way, like I did. Mum says he’s a bad influence. Anyway, there’s a few things you need to know about him. He lives on a boat because he likes exploring. Well, two boats actually. He has one for quiet adventures not far from home on canals and rivers, and the one with sails for when he goes to the edge of the world or the moon and places like that. He has an island in the middle of a huge river, and he has one boat at one end of the island, and keeps the other at the other. Nobody can find his island because there is always a thick mist surrounding it so it can’t be seen. Grumps can see it, of course, because when he bought his reading glasses there was a special offer on, 2 for 1, and he asked for the second pair to be anti-fogging ones.

Big Dave had started to lose concentration now and was lying on his belly and dribbling on the sheet.

Now, try and keep up, Big Dave. I’m telling you this for your own good. Grumps hardly ever comes off his island, but when he’s better, just occasionally, he’ll make a big effort to come and see us, but he can’t bring his boat because there’s nowhere to park because of the caravan on the drive. So what he does then is he paddles from the island to the bank of the river in a little thing he built himself, called a coracle. And then he gets the train. A coracle looks just like a round fruit basket without any fruit, and he kneels in it because if he stands up it topples over and he falls in the water. Because it is round, it doesn’t have a front or a back and you can’t tell its left from its right, so if you don’t know what you are doing you just go round in circles till you forget whether your face is pointing forwards or not. It goes without saying that Grumps has no problem with this, and is so clever he can even arrive backwards, and sometimes gets there before he left. As long as he is wearing the right glasses. Are you listening to me, Big Dave?

But Big Dave was already asleep and wouldn’t wake up until the poo in his nappy had gone cold. And he’d probably wait until mum was tired and had just sat down with a cup of tea and put her swollen feet up. And her tea would go cold and she wouldn’t be able to eat her biscuit because the nappy was a bit whiffy and made her feel ill. So she’d tell Kimblebee off because there would be no point in shouting at Big Dave because he was too young to understand. That’s what it’s like, being a big sister, isn’t it? But Grumps will teach you some tricks to get your own back on them, if you’re lucky. Nothing cruel, though, because you all love each other, and you have to look after your mum and your brother, because they don’t know any better, do they? Your Dad will be fine. He can look after himself when he wakes up. All he needs is a shed of his own.

Ok, Big, you have a sleep now. Grumps can’t come and see you just now, because he can’t kneel down with his broken leg, but one day soon….